Until Then
by MysticalFloyd
Summary: After Frodo leaves for the Havens, Sam contemplates what they had. VERY DARK, Slash so beware.


~Until Then~  
  
When I look at you I see him. Your eyes, dear God, your eyes.  
  
Your sweet little eyes.  
  
I love you my little Frodo. My son, do you know why I named you Frodo? Do you know our story? No.no.not even Rosie truly understands our story.  
  
I'm rocking you to sleep. You had a nightmare. I hope its none like Mr. Frodo's, not like those. Rocking you to sleep, I can almost imagine Frodo's still here with me. Don't get me wrong son; I love your mother- I love Elanor, I love you! But...Frodo was...indescribable. I watched out for him, he watched out for me. We went through Mordor, through hell together. I watched him die. I WATCHED HIM DIE! I went on for him, I bleed for him son. I shed blood for him. I loved him. I hated him. I love him even know, and I hate him. I hate him for hurting me now.  
  
When he left he took a part of me with him. I'm dead without him. He killed me, my son. Frodo killed me; and for all I know he has no regrets about it. Not one.  
  
I'm crying, while you sleep. Sucking your tiny thumb- your beautiful. Gods your beautiful.  
  
I...I don't understand Frodo.why did you leave me? We could have worked it out. I would have done anything to heal you Frodo. Why did you lose faith in me? You pushed me away, to Rosie. You said you weren't good enough for me. Frodo why did you lie to yourself? Why did I let you? Why?  
  
You can't hear me.  
  
(You can't hear me.)  
  
You said that there was nothing I could do to stop you. Were you right?  
  
You can't see the one I named you after, can you love? You can't see how much he looks like you. He's getting so big Mister Frodo. Everyday he looks more and more like you. He's got your eyes you know? Your...blue...eyes....  
  
Do they still shine like back then?  
  
(Not without you.)  
  
Do you remember when I fell out of that big apple tree, that day so long ago. Back when we knew nothing about the Ring. When I was so small and you had just came to Bag End. I hid up in Mr. Bilbo's apple tree that he had been growing, I was hiding from all the other hobbits, playing a game. I hid there for hours until I fell, fell hard. Broke my arm I did and as I lay there crying my eyes out thinking I was going to die. I saw you running for me, book in your hand. You picked me up and scolded me, took me into Bag End.  
  
You know what I remember though? When you were rocking me in old Mr. Bilbo's chair trying to settle me down, you kissed my forehead. You looked at me and.your eyes. There were shining. Shining like stars.  
  
I think that's when I started loving you.  
  
I love you still.  
  
I make a hiking sound in the back of me throat and whip my eyes.  
  
And I miss you.  
  
How could you leave me? How could you say that there was nothing I could do? I failed you Frodo, and I cannot stand it.  
  
You saw Elanor. She loved you, she can talk now. I'm afraid that she...she will forget about you. I try to keep her memories of you alive, but...its getting harder as she grows older. You would be proud of her Mr. Frodo. She's the prettiest little girl you could ever see.  
  
How's Mr. Bilbo? What about Gandalf? And Elrond? Miss Galadriel? Are they taking care of you...?  
  
(Come to me my love and you'll see...)  
  
When I talk to people...they say I shouldn't weep so much. Even Rosie says I should get over you. Tonight...she said I need to forget you.  
  
"He's not coming back Sam, you have a family now, You need to put it behind you. Put him behind you and forget him, cause he's never coming back."  
  
We got in a fight then. She's still jealous of you Frodo, why does she have to be like that? She won't even let me weep over you anymore. Weep over what happened to us. Why wont she just let me be? Let us be...  
  
Oh I forgot...there isn't an "us" anymore is there? I'm alone.  
  
I walk over to the crib and drop little Frodo in. Kiss his head as you did to me so long ago. Memories wash over me...  
  
(Sam, I'm glad your with me.)  
  
Stroke his hair back, pull up the covers.  
  
People say that I couldn't love you as deeply as I did. They say now that I'm just being silly, moping over you. That it wasn't love it was just companionship, and really, why don't I just grow up. "Have some hobbit sense won't you Sam Gamgee! Really, you know as well as the next hobbit that he's not coming back."  
  
It hurts that people don't understand what we had. When they say it wasn't love. But it was love! Unconditional- I loved you, you loved me. We didn't need to say it. We just loved, and it hurts that people don't except that.  
  
Do you still love me Frodo....?  
  
(Everyday Sam.)  
  
I laugh. I can almost hear you in my head, telling me.reassuring me.  
  
I can't live without you anymore. It hurts everyday to go on, and I can't do it anymore. I'm drained Frodo. It's not only your absence but my wounds from the Quest. They burn inside me everyday and I long for rest. Long for sleep. I long for it almost as much as I long for you.  
  
Do you think...if I just...took a knife...and cut- deep. Oh so deep that I bleed. I would bleed for you Frodo. Every droop that hit the floor would be for you. It could be like old times again. I would bleed until I slept and on the other side.would you wait for me? Open arms waiting for me.  
  
I walk to the kitchen. I can't live like this. You left, you selfish bastard you left me alone. To die alone, without you. I lived for only you Frodo, now your gone and I can't live anymore. I'm barely alive now. You think you were the only one to suffer during the quest? You think your the only one that the Ring hurt? No. You weren't the only one. You left me without a second thought now I'm going to end it. End my pain the only way I know how.  
  
And you know what?  
  
There's nothing you can do to stop me. Cause your not here for me, your never coming back. Your DEAD!  
  
Dead and gone.  
  
(Don't go wear I cant follow Sam.)  
  
I loved you so much. We promised each other to never leave. I don't understand how you could hurt me like this. Am...am I truly that meaningless to you? I don't understand Frodo...  
  
The knife seems to shimmer even in the darkness. I put it to my throat.  
  
(Sam! Sam! Don't leave me here alone! Its your Frodo calling! Don't go where I can't follow! Wake up, Sam! Oh wake up Sam, my dear, my dear, wake up!)  
  
"Daddy?"  
  
Elanor...?  
  
"Daddy! Please don't daddy!"  
  
She runs over to me, and hugs my legs. I'm shocked, too shocked to speak.  
  
"Daddy, don't. Don't leave us. Don't leave him! He's alive daddy and you'll see him again someday. He told me so, he said he loves you. He thinks about you everyday! Don't leave him daddy!"  
  
She's crying into my leg. And something comes over me...what was I thinking? What was I thinking??? I drop the knife.  
  
"Oh honey. Oh...shhhh. I understand now. I won't leave you. I'm so sorry. So...so...sorry."  
  
I'm so sorry. I'm the selfish one, and I understand now. I understand that I can't see you. That I can't hear you. I can't touch you, taste you, or feel you...now. But I can in my heart, in my memories. If I keep those alive...then your still alive.  
  
(Your time will come Sam.)  
  
And my time will come.  
  
"I love you Daddy, so does little brother and Mommy."  
  
I nod. "I love you too. Don't you ever forget that." I hug her tightly, I was so close to losing everything. I was so stupid.  
  
"He loves you too Daddy."  
  
"I know."  
  
How does she know? Do you talk to her?  
  
(Yes.)  
  
No.no that's impossible. But...oh nevermind. Best not question these things.  
  
I believe...I believe that this is a test Frodo. Of how much we really love each other. Do we love each other so much that we will beat out the most powerful thing in the world: time. Can we win against the tests of time? Do you think we can love? I almost lost it. But now I see...that if I love you enough...if you love me enough- we can wait. Until our time.  
  
(Our time will come.)  
  
Then I'll not leave you again.  
  
(Nor I.)  
  
Until then...  
  
I will live my life to the best, knowing that at the end I'll get the greatest award in the world.  
  
You.  
  
~End~ 


End file.
